box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
You Might Also Like
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword