8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Yes my dude
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors