(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]