[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁