I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.