The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You Might Also Like
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”