[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!