My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: