If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless