Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
im all 3
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
It’s the weekend y’all
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.