I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
2022 will be better than 2021
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*