I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
(by @ZachWeiner )
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.