(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I found your tweet-up…
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving