Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Wake me when AI does housework
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?