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[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Alexa: *deep breath*
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’