My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Bootstraps
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this