shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
me and who
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires