Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*limbos away from your hug*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
From my Mom
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.