@juicymorsel

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

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@unbub_

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

@dubstep4dads

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

@neiltyson

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

@LuvPug

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

@ChaviStHill

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@RowdyBowden

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.