Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
When your man makes a valid point
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.