Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.