Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.