Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
*aggressively waits in line*