Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I am a gravy boat captain
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.