Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Accurate
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.