Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.