Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”