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I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.