I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Lol.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun