do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Oh the world we live in…
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.