“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
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“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”