homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Perfection.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope