Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
How does one answer this?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.