How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
This probably isn’t good
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.