You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Cats are still liquid.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
the composer
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?