If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.