Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Welcome to the stomach
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Last-minute gift idea!