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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.