Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween