My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut