{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes