How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
had to share :’)
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.