Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
This bar smells like my childhood.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.