Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
You Might Also Like
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir