my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
You Might Also Like
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
is it earth
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Social distancing in Australia:
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
These 3D printers are insane!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
congratulations to them
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.