me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
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Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen