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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
What about a To-Don’t List?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.