1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
an airline just for babies.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?