Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy