Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.


Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath


If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.


Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.


Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?


my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight


I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.


Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now


KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes


Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.