Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Had an epiphany today.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If a snake ate a cake
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.