Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
This made me smile…
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
All excellent questions
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me when the borders lift
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
You’ll be OK
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.