If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
A bold strategy
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
philosophical skeletons be like
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise